


car crossed lovers

by YOIMemeDuo



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Car Sex, Crack, Other, bad humour, carsent, cry typing, honestly.... regret, improper use of stick shifts, tail pipe sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 16:47:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12112989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YOIMemeDuo/pseuds/YOIMemeDuo
Summary: “honk for me.” chris whispers sensually into the car’s dashboard.“Honk honk chris daddy”





	car crossed lovers

**Author's Note:**

> Unrequited love
> 
> Chris spreads his loving seedlings
> 
> It’s hip to fuck cars
> 
> -click the links

 

“Alright Chris, [she’s all yours](https://youtu.be/9QQI5DtQgYo).” Victor drops the keys into Christophe’s paws. (a/n: Rawr XD)

 

Chris winks. “Yeah, have fun on your honeymoon.” he,,, jsut,, awnted thre to w of htenn to ahve ;;;fucnnn;;s ds but,,,,

 

Chris,,topeh,,, ws jst,,...a b;;oi/ hey demons it’s ya boy

 

Victor grabs yuuri by the hand and whisks him away to sex paradise where thye will probably fuck like rabbits during theier sexcapade

 

“It’s jus t you and me pal.” chris feels the car’s slick hood. Mmmm yum. He’s thirsty. He hasnt even left the airport but he’s so hard now so he takes the car and drives awy zoom zoom 

 

He arrives at his house and parks it in the driveway because he has no shame lmao who the fuck cares

Chris is the local sexhibitionist and he’ll give his neighbors a car show. (;))

 

“Are you feeling it now mr. krabs” chris says as he rubs his hands across the hood of victor’s volkswagen beetle.

“Your name is vanilla now and… i love you so much”

The car of course, said nothing because. It is a car. Duh. chris punched the window open so he can honk, he wants that sweet validation. He craves that mineral.

 

Chris begins senuously rubbing teh car’s tail lights, and the y were Lit, bois,

 

Chris inserted the keys and started the engine, the purr of vanilla making his dick harder than steel. He can feel it throbbing like waluigi’s nose 

 

Doki doki

 

“Wait,,,, vanilla lemme just tell u”

 

“ i have been in love with you since i saw victor buy you off the fishy man from the fish land”

 

“O hoooh chris daddy” vinalla honked. IT CAN TALK HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUC chris is surprised too and so am i (1st POVE uwu XDDD)

 

“Oh shit let’s make out before we take it further” chris runs his tongue over vanilla’s hood like a vanilla ice caream cone that’s melting in the summer heat. Yknow when u eat a mango and the juices run down ur arm, that’s what chris is doing but with a car and there is no mango tho he wishes there was bc who doesnt like mango

 

He makes out with vanilla for a solid hour lmao. Thirsty ho. Vanilla is wet and moist all over and chris’s mouth is dry af. He’s even  _ thirstier. _

 

Ok foreplay first

 

“Can i?” chris asks vanilla and it honks back. It’s not like a car honk tho, it’s like those hentai anime girl sounds. You feel????

 

He inserts two fingers into vanilla’s tail pipe, fingering it until her engines bust. He pulls them out and licks the pre-c(ar)um which is just motor oil god chris u nasty af. He spreads the motor oil lube on his meter long king kong dong to lube it up and get it  _ rough and ready _ . His gallopping abs are so ready, theyre gallopping so far so fast more than the mileage on victor’s old ass car

 

“Are u rad”

 

“Im rad” vanila honks enthusaitically

 

“Ready i mean,,, what up my name’s chris im 25 and i never learned how to fucking speak”

 

Chris inserts his waluigi into vanilla’s car anal canal, the deep abyss envolping his massive yogurt slinger

 

He thrusts into vanilla so hard like a piston, he’s outta dick, it keeps going, keeps getting sucked into the massive black hole that is vanilla’s tailpipe 

 

“OH AH AH im gonna CUM” chris yells and vanilla honks frantically, its gear shift is wiggling like titty physics in anime

 

Chris moans like a whatever the fuck he is, he’s always moaning and jizzing on ice u know what his voice sounds like. He oiljaculates into vanilla’s tailpipe,,, caream pie-ing it wow  im

 

Nasty

 

“Ok let’s,,, shift gears” chris says, his dick falls off but it’s magnetic dw so he just sticks it back on

Chris enters the car, positioning himself over vanilla’s stick shift. No lube, we die like men. But chris is always so moist anyways bc he sweats so much from sinning so i guess that’s enough to lube him up idk lmao

 

He slides into it’s stick shift, smoother than sliding into them DMs. chris’s asshole vores vanilla’s stick shift into the oblivion that is his asshole. It’s like he doesnt even have organs, if u enter chris’s asshole u win a free trip to space. It’s that wide

 

“OH FUCK IM GONNA CUM AGAIN” chris moans while honking vanilla and steering its steering wheel, holding onto dear life while he cargasms again. Chris spreads his loving seed all over the car like fwoosh. It’s like a golden shower except it isnt golden because cum is white so it’s like a bleached oatmeal shower all over victor’s car.

 

“[Wrow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1ipP3y6GOc).” chris says while he passes the fuck out on vanilla’s leather seats.

 

That was the most vanilla sex he’s ever had

 

\---

 

While victor and yuuri are on their sexcapade in god knows where, because god is always watching, chris is on his own… car exhibition. 

 

A week later, he picks up victor and yuuri from the airport. Yuuri passes out in the back seat, hogging the entire area bc he’s tired let him rest ok. While victor sits in the passenger seat.

 

Victor notices something on the stick shift. He touches it. It’s white and sticky but there’s also motor oil all over it. Motor oil cum??? The fuck.

 

“Did you really jizz on my car?” victor gawks, looking at chris like he’s offended. And he is. How dare chris defile his precious car like thsi. Friendship ends with christophe, now emo christophe is his best friend. Im sorry the old chris cant come to the phone right now. Why? Oh cause he’s dead to victor.

 

~The creative process~

 

**R***:** AYE here i am

so where does this hell begin

summary first mayb

**H****:** LMAO

YEAH

**R***:** H****SDKJSGKF

**R***:** SATAN TAKE ME AWAY

**H****:** r***

PLS

LOVE ME

**R***:** I love you but

i thought u were gonna type "onto christophe's paws"

**H****:** PAWS

**R***:** ASKLA

H****LKDSLDFS

**H****:** i  caNT

**R***:** jadkjdkjsfhbks

**H****:** I CANT WRITE CRACK FICS WITHOUT LIKE

OIKAWAMEMESQUAD WRITING STYLE

can i cry type it

**R***:** go for it

**R***:** christophe ws jst,,, a boy

oh my fucking god

**H****:** this is so bad

**R***:** idk if this needs to be crytyped or Serious

**H****:** yeah me neither

we swithc

**R***:** either way this is a  mess

wait wait wait sugggestion

**H****:** SEXCAPDE

where do u come in

OMG

**R***:** IDK SAKDJS

**H****:** WHERE'S THE LIST OF DICK EUPHEMISMS

**R***:** IVE NEVER WRITTTEN CRACK IN MY   LIFE

**H****:** WELL

**R***:** we need

**H****:** NOW U WILL

**R***:** car specific euphenisms

stick shift

etc

**H****:** "chris shoved his waluigi into the car canal"

**R***:** car ca na l

SEXHIBITIONIST

**H****:** skdfhdg

PLS

ADD UR INPUT

I CANT TELL IF THIS SHOULD B SERIOUS OR NOT

how do ppl use eloquent words for crack fics

**R***:** idk i feel like sh au is borderline crack sometimes

**R***:** WHO ARE

**H****:** oh tru

it's qq

**R***:** WHO IS THIS

**H****:** hi qq

**R***:** QQ SKDJFSJ

**H****:** i only set it to comment for qq

ok but sh au has like a proper plot and all

not like this mechaphilia mess

**R***:** i hate

**R***:** WAIT the CAR NEEDS A NAME

**H****:** vanilla

**Anonymous Elephant:** o om g sorry i went to game

**R***:** this is Hell

hello anonymous elephant

**Anonymous Elephant:** this is beautiful

idk why i'd be anon elephant im signed in on gmail

**R***:** i was anon too even tho i was signed in

**Anonymous Elephant:** weird

**R***:** H****had to add me

for whatever reason

**Anonymous Elephant:** cAR CROSSED LOVER SHHLKBJF

DGILKJ

**R***:** ♥♥♥

**Anonymous Elephant:** now u make me wanna write crackfic

**R***:** GO FOR IT

idfk how to write crack imm sdjks

**H****:** JUST KEEP GOING

**R***:** WHAT EVEN HAPPENS NEXT I JJUST

**H****:** the porn

ofc

**R***:** i cant fuckin

writE pron

porn

omg

**H****:** ok i will

write the porn

**R***:** i remember bsing it during maf,,,

**H****:** omg

**R***:** but i dont remember a thing

**H****:** rip

**R***:** THROB LIKE WALUIGIS NOSE I,,,

FISHY MAN FROM THE FISH LAND

**H****:** idk whAT IM DOING

IVE NEVER WRITTEN PORN

**R***:** like a vanilla ice,,, cream

CAREAM

USE

CAREAM

**H****:** SDFDGFH

CAREAM

make correctiosn as i go im bullshitting htis

**R***:** THRISTY HO

**H****:** KSHFHSF

what am i even doing at this point

do u think we can get to 666 words

**R***:** we have

432

**H****:** holy shit

we gotta wrap it up soon

time for chris to wrap and tap it

**R***:** the cry typing made the word count high already probably

we can fix it later it's ok

we gotta mention that iconic anal quote

the tailpipe is the anus of the  car

HALEY

**H****:** what anal quote

the one i said earlier

**R***:** WAIT did u use that already??

THE BEST EUPHENISM

rough and readY

**R***:** anonymous nyan cat. hello

**H****:** i

pls

input something or i will get carried aWAY

i canT BREATHE

**R***:** 564 words

omg

**H****:** i holy shit

ok screw the 666 word count im getting so carrried away im s rorry r***

**R***:** ITS OK DSKFJ

im just here adding little phrases every couple lines skfdskj

**H****:** kdhfshgs

**R***:** titty phsyics in animmme

**H****:** that was me in oikawamemesquad

**R***:** i do not have the creativity for crack skjfds

caream pie caream pie

**R***:** "like a whatevrer the fuck he is"

OILJACULATES

FUCK

**Anonymous Ifrit:** elghlsk ehat

what

the fuck

**H****:** hi qq

**Anonymous Ifrit:** why am i an ifrit now

whate ven is an ifrit

**R***:** what the fuck is an ifirt

**Anonymous Ifrit:** it's magnetic

magnetic dick im

**R***:** "An ifrit is an enormous winged creature of smoke, either male or female, who lives underground and frequents ruins."

a fictional cryptid

**Anonymous Ifrit:** jesus

so liek

**H****:** i c ant breahte

im cryign

**Anonymous Ifrit:** im a giant flaming smoke demon

amzing

**R***:** LETS SHIFT GEARS

BYYYYE

**H****:** amazing

**Anonymous Ifrit:** LET'S SHIFT GEARS

HSLGSKLJ

**R***:** MAGNETIC

**Anonymous Ifrit:** voRES

VANILLA'S STICK SHIFT HSHLKFJD

**H****:** fuck

gimme me another ejaculation pun but with cars

**R***:** NO LUBE WE DI E LIKE MEN

**H****:** nvm

**Anonymous Bat:** IM A BAT NOW

**R***:** nananananananana nananananananana BATMAN

wrow

**Anonymous Bat:** so he's

riding the stick shift

while

honking the horn

amazing

**H****:** yes

**Anonymous Bat:** cARGASMS HHHBFLSDK

wrow

**R***:** OH NNNO

OOHH MY FUCKING GOD

VICTORR YOU POOR SOUL

**H****:** WAIT

**R***:** MOTOR OIL CUM???

**H****:** CHRISTOPHE'S LOVING SEED

I FORGOT

THE BEST PART

**R***:** BLEACHED OATMEAL

**H****:** well

960 words

FRIENDSSHIADP ENDS WITH CHRISTOPH

**Author's Note:**

> lmao we're sorry


End file.
